Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
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My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Rooting for the overdog
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
damn he’s good