[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
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Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.