“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
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*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.