someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
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In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.