captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely