It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
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Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.