People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
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Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
watching gymnastics
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
What
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.