The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
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Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
smh
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Pretty much! 😂👀
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.