Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
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Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”