grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
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[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.