My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
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Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs