You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
You Might Also Like
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)