Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
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met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
I’m literally crying
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.