My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
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If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.