Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
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I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
My wife gives the best headache.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.