Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
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You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Optional boss fight.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.