Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
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1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
do u think theres a butter planet?
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.