Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
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“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Happy Halloween 🎃
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
When libraries troll their patrons.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine