Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
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The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”