Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
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If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.