me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
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I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?