Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
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There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Namaste
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
the saddest jazz hands ever
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!