[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
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Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Need this in my life lol
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face