Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
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daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.