Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
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sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said