Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
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When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
“What movie?” 🤔
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Getting married soon just need a spouse
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
They’re not wrong
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit