He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
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[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Bike is short for Bichael.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
fourth time’s the charm
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man