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Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?