I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
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I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
My husband before the holidays: I don鈥檛 need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I鈥檝e always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I鈥檇 love to have this other thing
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 馃檹
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
twitter users today:
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn鈥檛 it?
coworker: um. this just isn鈥檛 what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.