*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
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I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
bury ourselves
oh my gosh!!
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.