I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
You Might Also Like
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
What even happened today?
Cause of death: Zumba
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
me before I type out affect or effect
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said