Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
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[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration