Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
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Remember folks 😂
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.