{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
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Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
😏😏😏
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this