Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
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People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to