Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
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Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
cat faces on other animals, a thread
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake