omg leave her alone
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People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Knock Knock