In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
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These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Taliband
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Best spot.. 😅
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much