A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
You Might Also Like
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.