See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
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wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Waiting for the Charmin
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
ACED my prostate exam!
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.