5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
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“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Mornin. * use accordingly