Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
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Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?