nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
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Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Weirdly Wednesday.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol