My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
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Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately