Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
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I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
The Friday File.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I like long walks away from everyone