Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
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Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Autocorrect is my menesis
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.