Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
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I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.