Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
You Might Also Like
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Tier 3 meme
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.