She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
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The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
me refusing to leave twitter
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.