[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
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I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
dream blunt rotation
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *